The ultimate screw comes from those you love the most. Those you fought for, those you suffered for, those that mean and meant everything to you.
That's my opinion on the matter. I am completing a class assignment, one that requires reviewing my past. Nice thoughts but at the end of each opportunity lies a terrible mess. I was screwed, each and every time.
With each new fabulous opportunity that came my way, also came: jealousy, hatred, enviousness, ridicule, humiliation, belittling, condescending communication, from those that I loved the most.
There was never one moment where I heard, "Hey! Way to go you landed the job!" What I did hear was, "Let's see how long this will last! HaHa, I give it a few weeks, maybe a month!"
If the opportunity lasted over a few months, then came the drama. The drama that came was composed of family feuds, humiliation, the "your uninvited" moments, the "who the hell do you think you are?" moments, and each and every time the drama moments began, it would continue until the job was lost. Even if it took months or years. Once the job was lost, then came the "I told you so!"
If I was able to keep employment for longer than a year the manipulation would start. The demands would start. The reminders of my past would start. And at this moment, while looking back, the cycle literally repeated itself, until right now, because I was unaware of the relentless cycle that lasted 30 years. It always ended in a major blow-out. And the blow-out was "always MY fault."
Me being me, I would recall my actions or words, and would invest time in reflection, meditation, prayer and the overall big picture of what had occurred. But I never thought that my family was doing the "screwing" on purpose, I mean, Not Literally On Purpose!
But...Guess what? I was so wrong. SO VERY WRONG! They LITERALLY did it all on purpose. Just so they could say, "Look, she's a failure, garbage, a "piece of shit"!" Which is what I heard the majority of the time when those drama moments or family feuds would occur, among other "family words" they'd share.
If I ever attempted to acknowledge an emotion or a hurt or a bother, I was called emotional or crazy or told that I am living in a fallacy. That there is something wrong with me for saying something regarding myself towards any situation.
In the end, which is now, I am no longer in their presence, nor will I ever be again. But I have to complete this class assignment without breaking down. It's very odd to me that a parent or sibling would want their own family member to become trash, but unfortunately, for me, it's true, it's my reality and it sucks, but it will get better.
Well, venting is over and I do feel better. Almost started to cry again, but why cry? When all their words are just lies!
Maybe this blog post will uplift someone. You're not alone if you're dealing with issues like mine. And if you've never had to deal with such ugliness, know that you truly are blessed and embrace that blessing. That's why so many times, I pray, "Lord please Bless this Mess!" Some have looked at me so strangely too, but they don't know what steps I've had to take just to be sitting in this very chair, and just to write this very blog.
The situation is Not a mess anymore, but it's never easy remembering, just wish it didn't have to be that or this way. Anyhoo...Too-Da-Loo!
As Always, All the Best and Stay Well!
Peace & Love Always! DeAnna XoXo